did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
