I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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