I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
