I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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