There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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