So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
