can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
