the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
