Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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