There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
