Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
