now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize