I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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