I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
