I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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