What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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