So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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