You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
