I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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