Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
