Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
