So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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