my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
