The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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