You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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