i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
ok first of all what the fuck
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
