he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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