This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
