Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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