The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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