Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
