Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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