I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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