Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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