Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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