I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
