Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
