Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
