I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
