I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
