I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
