your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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