fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
