sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
