so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
