history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
