Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
