I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
