I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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