I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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