I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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